ruang dadamu amat menjijikkan

26 Februari 2005

tak henti-henti kau pamerkan...
tak sudah-sudah kau war-warkan...
jelek aku melihatmu...
jijik aku memBau mu..

dikau gah bersuara...
dikau gah berkata-kata...
ku hanya kedu mengamati mu...
ku hanya bisu memahami mu...

dadaMu membuat ku pilu..
dadaMu membuat ku sayu...
hilangnya kasih berganti rayu..
tampilah saksi tragedi pilu...

di sudut kanan kau merayu...
di kiri pula kau memberitahu..
darah tragis deras meluru...
terusan kau papar di ruang dadamu...

ingin ku tutup segala mataku...
ingin ku rapat segala ruangku..
mau aja berkunci dibilikku....
begitu jijik ruang dadamu..

9.15 am

note2Self_ i hate the news!...its scaring me....

awan mendung di kala ini....

24th February 2005

tatkala haba menyelinap terang...
datang hiba teramat gersang...
datang duka terusan menyerang...
datang sayu tendangkan berang...

tatkala peluh deras mengalir....
deruan berita silih bergilir...
gerun di hulu, mati di hilir...
apakah erti darah mengalir....

tatkala kontang di hutan kota....
tidak disangka hati pun jua...
kering tanpa ikhlas pun tiada...
manusia berEkor menyerang semua....

tatkala bencana kian melanda..
seperti tiada insaf dirasa...
tikam, bunuh, sula semuanya...
seperti mainan orang muda....

tatkala firasat kiamat menjelma...
manusia seperti tidak menghamba...
datang malam buas segalanya...
mencabut nyawa bagai dipunya...

tatkala sinar kian mengabur....
manusia lupa tanah kubur...
darah mangsa habis tersembur....
hati suci hilang lebur....

tatkala perit menahan dahaga...
tangan ditadah mengharap dibela...
hati pilu melihat segalanya...
akankah mendung berlalu jua.....?

8.45 am.

MyDaiLyPrayers_ Lindungilah hamba mu ini , kedua ibu bapa ku abang adik ku, serta rakan-rakanKu sekalian daripada bencana mu, jauhilah kami dari azab neraka dan tempatkanlah kami di syurga teratasMu, ringankanlah beban kami pada hari ini, esok dan hari-hari yang akan datang, berikanlah kekuatan dalam menghadapi dugaanMu, berikanlah kekuatan di kala ketakutan, berikanlah kecantikan iman , tunjukkan lah jalan yang diredhai oleh mu...sesungguhnya hanya padaMu ku berserah.
Amin
( " , )

me to say....

23rd February 2005

look away...
don't u stay..
i'm goin away...
there's nothing to say....

i once want u..
but u gave me blue...
tho we stick like glue...
this is best to do...

i dont need to cry...
all i need is fly..
don't need to ask why..
all i need is rye...

look away...
as i go far, far away..
tho i'm here to stay...
this is me to say...

(noodz....i'm confusing u eh?...hehehehehehe...don't b)

note2Self_ to crave for something so badLy... to love 2SomeOne so VirginLy.... to xpress ureself so honestLy...n to dieAway quiteLy...
n these r myThemes for living...cheers!

as i lay myself n bleed....

22 February 2005

suddenly i'm here...
suddenly its clear...
there's something so dear...
but i just cannot hear..

i feel my neck light...
i feel my arms tight..
i've lost my way tonite...
my head is red so bright....

i thought u came to say...
i thought u wanted to lay...
damn u is all i can say...
as u left me there a stray..

all i ask is why..
u came to me n lie..
u know i would deny...
as u left me there to die...

it was u...
never thought this could b true...
as u stab me thin thru this time so blue...
as u made me bleed like a brew..

its time i am of need...
i call for u as so i plead..
u left me there..u let me be...
as i lay myself to be...
as i lay myself to bleed...

(this ones to all recent stab victims who happend to be all woman n my deepest lurve n tear for that foreign student who was found raped, sodomised n dead....may all of them who have brought u sorrow.....die a gruesome death!!!)

10.oo a.m

MyFinal *twenty5* ...farewell

18th February 2005

the thing about me is i always get melodramatic when it comes to change, saying goodBye, leaving or just plainLy goingSomePalace else or b someOne else...

do not know why but i have to b sad n cry when things change....even if its a good thing.....
yesterday on the news a single mom of 6 (or more) children..had to give away her children to welfare cause she couldn't take care of them anymore...so when the part she brought them to the van...n giving her last hugs to them...it just came naturally....i cried....i couldn't imagine what the mom is thinkin at that moment...or how is she going to go thru this....the rest of her days...without her reason to live?.....

these past few days..been horny, hyper, upset, depressed n most of all downWayDown there....n i don't know why....can't put my finger on which reason to put the blame on....

i roundUp the usual reasons :

1) i'm fat...n the society i'm livin in still judges that as a disadvantage..no matter how succesful, nice or honest u r

2) i'm sick....it controls my mood, the way i think, i behave n the way i fume myself up over little petty things...

3) i'm lost....been havin this blank feeling in my heart n in my brains....like no reason to live to breath to feel...no power to believe, conceive or even deceive...just that blank feeling in me...

4) i'm loneLy....i have no one specific person to crave for....specificLy misses me...or specificLy want to b wit me....just bein that "other" person, just a sister he never had, just to accompany, just frends....

5) i'm a bitch...i get confuse over things i'm sure of its origin...i get crazy over things i hate so much....i let go of things worthWhile... then i holdOn to things that of which..has no future...

6) i'm just a gurl...i still need to be yelled..i still need that lecture...i can never get enough of this attention...i can never run from this intention...after all...its my muse...its all i got...'

maybe what's been buggin me lately...is the fact that i'm turning 26...another stepping year before i'm 30....
n i can't help but feel like it was only yesterday that i was being so hyped out turning 20!!...(aish! how times fly)

neways...tommorrow's another day....a superday..i'll have fun, i'll be happier than today..i promise..i'll find things to make me content...i'll lay n watch tv till i dozeOff...i'll do my laundry even if it all turns pink...i'll live like any other day...

(if i'm given another day of course....)

or like 2Phat says...

"if i die tonite...u know it'll b alrite...just smile for me..."

farewell (twenty5)

10.40am.

masih.....?

16th February 2005

...masih ku tak berdaya..melupakanmu..
di hatiku berkata..
apakah sebenarnya cinta...di hati ini..hanya mainan semata

...........namun kau tak mengerti...
apa sebenarnya yang telah terjadi...

diri ini..
kau yang masih di hati..
tidak terdaya untuk mengundur diri
dari mu....

setelah engkau pergi...
tiada apa yang hadir di diri ini..
ku harapkan kau berubah hati..
semoga kau kan kembali.....
ke diri ini...

_Flop Poppy

note2_u *
( after all these years... seeinU still gives me the butterflies dear....)

maafkan aku...
tak mungkin aku akan kembali...
tak mungkin akan berubah hati...
dan sememangnya...
aku tidak akan mengerti.....
maafkan aku...



12.10am

a frend in need...is a frend to bleed

15th february 2005

i couldn't sleep lastNite..
hell i couldn't even breath either...
presents a blur.....past a mess...
future is just another test....
i was in that mood..
that bitchBiatchin mood...
n i couldn't sleep...i couldn't breath..

i couldn't see lastNite....
hell i couldn't even focus either...
present was watery...past a crust...
future is not here to discuss
i was in that mood...
that slut wit no gut mood...
n i couldn't sleep...i couldn't believe...

i couldn't think lastNite.....
hell i couldn't even hear either..
present was needy...past a dust...
future is not ours to trust..
i was in that mood...
that i don't give a f**k mood...
n i couldn't sleep..i felt so deceived...


and so i called u...
don't want to feel misUsed..
don't want to love this abuse...

and so i hear u...
don't want to feel blue...
don't want another cue...

and so i feel u..
don't want to be loneLy..
don't even feel loveLy...

and so i missed u...
don't want to lose u...
don't think u would to...

then u sensed me...
n felt rite thru me...
u just let me be...
as blue as i could be...

then u healed me...
u breath rite thru me...
u just let me be...
as me as i could be....

u're all i need....
in this time to be freed...
u're my frend indeed...
u're myOne i will bleed..

always...

note2Self_ Like times of lost (next time it happends....)
justBreath n listen....justClose u're eyes n lookDeep....
n like lastNite...u will see...u will believe...of things up this sleeve...
that will help u breath.

cheers Nizar.!..(this ones for u)
*thanks*

10.40 am

(L U R v E )....come away with me

14th february 2005

come away with me...
come follow me..
in this deepest desire..in my darkest marsala
come away to me..
come follow me...

my hearts no liar...
as i weep at this desire...
as i keep this tiara...
as i want u unattire...

come away with me...
come follow thru me...
noEver will i follow thee...
just whispers to swallow me...

myHearts no whiner...
just maybe a minor...
not even thinner...
not ever a failure....

i close myThoughts..
n keys to unlock..
but as i stood a block...
there was not a knock...

so as i surrender ...
what i usually slumber..
i ask u to follow me..
i beg u to come with me...

note2Self_ wearing red today does not increase the possibility of romance dropping by this valentines day or any day in particular....nor will it change the fact that ive become a lunatic in saying things honestLy....(aissssh!)
n that no matter how hard i wonder about ********
...it won't change anything....
i've said to much...i've tensed what's not....
my thoughts too lot...
for u ..myLancelot

p/s: my hols was a blast tho....

technoBimb's_..we should do this again (before u settleDown k)....hehehe...bet we'll turn bangi upsideDown if we were roomates....next time bring camera ait..like u said..i take ure's..u take mine...( " , )...
u know..u wit putrajaya..then me wit putrajaya
(what were u thinkin?hehehehehe)

chip_..nothing is more happier than to see a frend so happy...i'm happy for u for u're happy news...n i hope u stay happy u're whole life round...appyHappyHappyHorray ( " , )

(wonderin when's it gonna be my turn to "settleDown" my turn to have "happyNews"
....wonder....n wonder.....n wonder.....keep on wondering beb......aisssssh!)

livin in bangi part 2: havin it all 2myself

7th february 2005

i'm writing the second time today...
(new year is near for the chinese...dat means..no business for me....hehehe)

so its been a week...
n i've been weak...
n not forgetting sleek...
for this new..new... brick...

sometimes its scary...
most times weary..
as i sleep peace (rareLy)...
as i lay soft (hardLy)...

sometimes back in bangi..
i live myself uncanny..
as i give myself to mutiny...
as i dream of having immunity...

its hard to believe....
or even conceive..
as i'm thinkin this eve...
MyOwn home to ease...
my own place to please...

2.00 pm

what i've lurrrrrrve so far (livin on my own)

1) open the door of the kitchen around 6.30pm n i can smell fresh food bein steamed/fried/stirFry....
an automatic reaction will be visible in my stomach....
(if not..can hear somethingla..hehehe)

2) listening to music never sounded the same....suddenly i can clearly hear the lirics....n how dreadFul n pathethic it really is....till it can made me cry, cry n cry for no apparent reason whatsoever...( " , )...or laugh till i wanna pee so bad...heheheh

3) try havin no tv in the house....hey its not so bad....i've got all the time in my life to do...mmmm...laundry (again..i do handWash now...my hands are kinda rough...), reading books (i've become a worm already)....n be closer to my artistic (if ever does exist) side.....heheheh

4) havin a good cup of tea...wit my stars....n the wind...mmmm..pleasure....PurePleasure...especially when all snuggledUp in my fav sofa.....wit my blanket...mmmmmmm...(got all the oranges i need this festive season....hehehe)

5) walk around my kitchen for a drink in my undies....hehehe.... (naw ..JustKidding....heheeh)

6) to cradle this home like having a baby of my own...every corner just worries me....everyThing i do..i actually think n consider....n get this....i take responsibilities (shit that is impossible to believe....heheheh)

but i do hate this one particular feeling .....when i've got family here to entertain....so proudLy showing what i've done...
n when that time they have to leave...
suddenly it struckU....that sinkin feeling....that nudge in the stomach...
oh shit....just a few miniutes..i'll be sleeping alone .....
(like i said...still bein the goodGurl dat i am....heheheheh)

happy chinese new year to all celebrating n Y
amSeng to those who don't...go easy on the oranges aaah....
(n of course all other stimulants ait....heheheh)

curry_n_crapCrapCrappyCrap_curry

Drifters that stay to lay.....

7th February 2005

i'm a mess
i'm a wreck...
took my PhargeRetard850mg..
n still i'm lost...

last nite i hugged..
to something that stays..
something that would only fadeColour by day...
something i know won't go away...

i miss those times...
n all them nites..
when the moon was a lime...
n the the stars show might....

sometimes i'm a malay...
most times i'm a wreck...
no wonder no ones stay...
n say what the heck....

last nite i lay soft...
n wonder what i've done..
wonder if ever...forever i'll b gone...
wonderin maybe i am finally done..

i sit there still...
like i always will..
maybe its my skill..
that leaves people to kill...

sometimes its good...
to be away...
cause nobody stays..
c'mon gurl...just go away

8.45am

note2Self_ what was i thinkin tellin him that....what's wrong with me....don't i ever get a hint....don't i ever leave it to tint?...do i need to swallow this mint?...or should i follow all i'm in?

my feelings often playsucker to me...tellin me to be honest..in the most stupidest way...whakiest thought....craziest obsession....lunatic situation....till it makes me wonder...

have i lost all sein-nity?
or have i just lost myself?

".....maafkanla oh...andai lagu ini menganggu ruangan hidupmu..."_manBai

i'm a mess...
i'm a wreck.....

Red Rose Balm* and Roti John

5th February 2005

LastNite was fun....
as my hair's in a bun...
the building stood stunned...
for my redRedRose n Roti John....

evertyhing was a spun...
Mom dad n even my bun...
wanted to cook but i had non...
just my redRose n some roti John...

6and-a-half was all as one...
as the nite grew smoother like most of the bun..
mySuga was high n of course Goodfun...
thanx for the balm n the roti john...

Nothing feels like love from theOne...
one that binds all of us as one....
i must b obsess with number one..
cause this particular prose ends with One...!!! ( " , )

Oranges, kiwi n carnation...
are all stacked up in the frozen one..
i'm makin as ass out of everyone..
hard to find words that rhyme with one....

(kahkahkahkahkahkahkahkahkahkah!)

* RedRoseBalm- syrupRose taste lipBalm dat ma got me n SisLong from her newZealand trip. ( " , )

curry_n_crap,crap,crap,crap!....( " , )

hey...hey...fadeAway....

3rd February 2005

nothing to argue ...
nothing to say
nothing to keep me Away...
or LazyOut to sickBay....

just another day...
just another grey....
if the Stars came today....
i'll be gay along my Way....

nothing much left to play...
as u xpect me to stay...
maybe i will another day....
but guess today i'll fadeAway....

11.40a.m.

(note2self_ blardy sleepy n my stummy feel utterly bloated...got this constipated look n eyes like i'm diggin the weed....and all im thinkin is....biler lar nak balik nie?.....hehehehehZZZzzzzzz....guess i'll sleep this lunch Time....)

Lovey February

2nd February 2005

aaahhhh..smell the air..
there something romantic about this month...
suddenLy red is in (maybe also cause its chinese new year soon...ehheheheheh)
and all them gift shops start dustingOut old "Valentine" cards, dolls, picFrames, mugs and of course the price gets a bit tad higher than usual....

wait a minute ...i'm not complaining here....
the last time i had a bf...i remembered being all hypedOut about this month....

the first year i got him a valentine card n a chubby teddy...hoping it'll represent me when i'm not around...(heheeh.....sweet la konon)...then i started a yearLong valentine project...i planned to save some money so i can buy him something more memorable the following year..like a "for his n for her" watch....or something xtremeLy xpensive that both of us will look good in ..that year he gave me a crystal rose....it was reallyreally sweet...

the second year we didn't celebrate cause i was in Lumut...

and...

it didn't get to the third...we brokeUp ...
i broke the crystal flower in to half n hurt my hand...
n wasted my savings on a wildNite...
but then again..its an old story... ( " , )

so back about this month....
myB'day is also in this month (heheh....cheap promotion ...)
so myfrends usually get me this 2-in-one present....they'll go like

"curry, here eppy valentine's day....oh its nothing much..BTW...let me be the first to give u're b'day present"....(ceh...typical)

whatEver it is....its just a month of Lourve n i am proud to be born in it...
everyYear i always think of something big to do in this month..(trust me... there was even a time i planned to get married in this month...aiya.....again...old story)
i had great februaries my whole life too! (so far)....

february was the time i scored distinction for my gred 7 piano examination when i was 15
the february i turned 23 my abah gave me a kerlise....(**,)(**,)
i was in Lumut on the february i turned 24, passedOut on a hill while tryin to make sure i don't pass the "babi hutan" track.......
n celebrated it in sickBay....(i looked pretty horrid cause xtremeLy penat)
on the february when i turned 25 i had a great dinner treat at planetHollywood....( " , )...

noPlans yet as to this year....but one thing i can add..

i moved in Bangi in February 2005...
well this is only the first week....mmmm.....

i've got a killer stereo which i'm so diggin
(maybe cause i don't have a tv....yet)

i've also cooked...
(no not maggie aah....i actually goreng fridRice n had crispyChicFillet)
boleyLar....still got xtra in myfridge....thinkin of doin something to it later today...

i've actually cleaned n cleaned n cleaned the place more often than i did compared to when i was still in buloh....i just couldn't sit still (again..maybe cause of the fact that i don't have a tv....ehehehe)...first its the kitchen....then the toilet....then the kitchen floor....then my laundry ( i handWash now)...then to my sofa....then back to the kitchen....till i get really tired n lazy myself on my sofa...hehehe...reallyCosy one too

i've also managed to do my oldSkool Hobby......cuttingPics!
no...not like cut it cause i hate it...
i like to do kolaj (malay spellin..hehe) to pics....
lastNite i did them pics i took the last time i had goodFun in bukitMerah LakeTown wit my uniMates....we were suppose to go to songkla (Thailand) for a uniXchange programme...but on a lastSaat notice...we were asked to "batalkan hasrat "...damn...we rebelled n went to merahLaketown instead....a blast i tell ya....hehehe...think it was around chinese new year too...remembered the place was full of chinese n that water really made me itch here n there....heheeh

not forgetting...i read alot too ....heheeh...can't wait to go to that 30 dayReturn book store....

just realize that i do have a neighbour but i haven't met them yet...just they're cars...n sometimes hearing them come in....think there's more than one...
one owns a whiteWira (2fast2furious style) n the other a Gen2 (PigSkin colour....hjeheheheheehe)..
thinkin what i'm thinkin?...
yep...it must be GUYS!....heheheheheeh
bound to bump in to them....just have to wait i guess...
(hope they didn't smell my burnt nasiGoreng lastNite....kihkihihkihkihkh)

all in all....a wounderful thing....tho xtremeLy nervous..cause i'm such a virgin at having a house to myself....all the what ifs

what if i have'nt off the stove..
or shut that window....
where's my house key?..
what if i don't getUp?..
what if i got bored?....or lazy?....

heheheeh.......

like the song in my head....

"relax....let it all out.u know u can't hold it all back..u can't always please..... everyOne around...justRelax"_message in a bottle....

so as i'm njoying some mandarin orange this morning...with loads to do on my table....i say "Yam Seng" to this new beginning. i'll update more ait

cheers!

10.30 am